Attie's Lost Her Mind Upon These Pages

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Attie's Lost Her Mind Upon These Pages




"I believe in Angels... Something good in everything I see." - ABBA



It's a quote I picked up from Final Fantasy IX (my favorite of the games). Comments are welcome, I won't shoot you if you comment about how I need to stop complaining or what have you, but don't expect me to be peachy keen about it. I assume this is a thread where I can write whatever I want, whenever I want to, and ... For lack of better purpose, vent.


F.M.L.
What Does The Wolf Say When She Howls?
Is a Piano an Instrument of the Angels?
Grow a Pair or Lose Them!
A Good Day.
The Worst Feeling.
Guess Who's Back? Back Again?
My Sister And Me.
Fallen - Sarah McLachlan.
It's a Brand New Day.
Airplanes - B.o.B. ft Hayley Williams ft. Eminem
My Exact Feelings.
Love, love, love.


Last edited by Attie on Tue Aug 24, 2010 1:20 pm; edited 15 times in total
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Attie
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Join date : 2010-02-16
Female

Posts : 398
Age : 27
Location : Texas, USA


http://confidencephotography.blogspot.com

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Post on Mon Apr 12, 2010 10:43 pm by Attie

Warning. I jump around a bit. I have a hard time staying on topic. I promise, I began writing this with a point to get across. I just can't remember what it was...


Dear Diary,

No, I suppose this isn't really a diary, but I've always wanted to write those two words. It sounds silly, but when I see how journals and diaries have taken history and changed the way people see events from the eyes of someone who was there, I used to think to myself, "What if I could be one of them?" Really, what if someone found a little leather bound book that I could write anything and everything I wanted without judgment as to if I was crazy? That is, unless someone read it decided to send me to the funny farm... Luckily, no one reading this will have that luxury from so far away; So, I think I'm safe.

Do you remember those writing topics/busy work assignments you'd get in English classes? You know what I'm talking about. The ones that were so wide in a variety of choices to pick from, you could either ace it with no problem, spitting out something out of your ass, or you could take everything you do seriously and make it the most important thing you write, staying true to yourself.

What I am talking about is those topics such as: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" or "Do you believe in fairy tales?". Something simple, something that was only meant to keep you from talking all morning in class before the teacher was ready to give you something new to learn... But I always took them to heart. I always figured that my teacher would read them and dote upon me an opinion of high expectations, thinking I was serious and honest and enthusiastic in everything I do. I would be that kid in class who wrote pages upon pages on a one page assignment, making the others think I was a kiss-ass. I would be the kid who wanted nothing more than an adult's approval, in this case, a teacher's praise that I wasn't as stupid as my mother made me feel.

Believe it or not, my childhood, like most of America's today, was fucked up. Excuse my french, but I'd like to explain just exactly how I feel. Maybe it will shed some light to people who think I'm bat-shit insane half the time, and then rest of the time some super freak.

Let's start this with my mother's childhood, shall we? You may ask, "What the hell does your mother's life have to do with yours? Make your life you're own!" No no, you don't understand.

Right, again. My mother's childhood: She grew up with two older sisters. One of them was an intellectual prodigy (Michelle) and the other a self-righteous bully/slut turned hardcore Christian (Chimene). Michelle was very smart and very witty, and though she didn't intend this to be taken in to consideration when teachers would look at her sisters, the teachers wrongly compared both of them strictly to their oldest sister's accomplishments. Chimene, being the first one to face such judgment, turned violent, beating up on my mother, the youngest and smallest and quietest, and then became a sexually deviant teenager in front of my mother, making her feel a mixed range of emotions both upon her sisters, reactions she may develop, and her outlook on the other sex.

In turn, my mother kicked ass and made amazing grades through hard work and perseverance. She was very independent and very driven. My mother is still like that, today. If she wants something, be it materialistic or from another person, she will stop at nothing to have it. What does this have to do with me? Just hold on.

My mother gave her love to a man named John. I don't know his full name, or what happened, but for some reason, it didn't work out between them, though my mother remained in contact with him as a confidant and relied on him many times during her future relationships. When she met my father and was proposed to, she asked John to tell her not to do it, and she would go back to him without a second thought. Respectfully to my father, he told her to stay with him.

My father is Jeff. Unfortunately, his reputation holds a bit up in the air. My mother married him, had me, told everyone she caught him cheating and left him. Then was talked back in to marrying him 'for my sake as a growing child', and then had my sister Caitlin. After Caitlin, my mother's jealousy and distrust in him lead her to think he cheated on her again. Thus... A second divorce for me, and something my sister would never understand at such a young age.

I was nine years old when the second divorced happened, and my baby sister was just about two. My mother, heartbroken and a ruined woman, lost her enthusiasm for much of anything. During this time, we lived with her parents, and I was raised by my grandmother Wanda and Grandpapa Jerry. Unfortunately, this did not last as long as I'd hoped, for this had been the happiest home I'd ever been in. It's happened throughout all my life that I realized.. When my mother is under her parent's watch, she's an angel, and I couldn't want her more for a mother.

However, like I said... That ended. It was six months later that she married a new man, Tim, whom she'd been married to for the past ten years (and is still presently married to). Like a said.. Six.. Months.. Later. Not a lot of time to get to know someone, learn that he has kids, learn to get along with them as a step mother, and learn to acquaint Caitlin and I with them as step-siblings. We were moved in to a tiny house and became the Brady Bunch rather abruptly. Every day was a new fight, a new challenge for my mother and Tim, as they did not truly learn to love each other until about 2009 (nine years later). So, during this time, as Mom's focus was stuck on trying to learn to live with Tim, I raised my sister the best I could at such a young age. Not a very good idea, but someone had to give attention to the poor toddler.

I later learned that my efforts were for nothing. It took me forever to realize that my mother, having married Tim so quickly after her divorce, never really grieved or had time to mend her broken heart. All she had was angst and hurt built inside her that unleashed and lashed at Tim whenever he did the slightest thing wrong. Now, not to say Tim is not at fault for anything, but to get a good idea of how this guy it, think... The Rescuers (Disney) movie. Remember Medusa and Snoops? The evil woman who wanted the diamond and wore the pants in the relationship she had with the guy who did everything for her, assuming he'd get something in return? Yeah. That's a good example. Tim is Mr. Snoops. And I believe my mother would make a fine Medusa, using anything, anyone to get what she wants.

Anyway... Shit. I lost where I was going with this. That is the problem I seem to find quite a bit with ADD and rants... I get on bunny trails and lose where I was. [Sighs.]

Oh, right. Mom and Tim fighting, me raising my sister. Well, turns out a few years later, Mom started putting her anger out on me and my step brothers. I say this with the most seriousness I can muster: My brothers were Cinderellas. They were KIDS. They were being KIDS. They didn't know better half the time, and they tried to make her happy, yet.. My mother was too quick to put them down any chance she got. Me? Well, shit. I was her own BLOOD! When I did something wrong, it was as if I'd just murdered someone. Eventually, I got used to getting grounded for the stupidest things and learned the significance of Pokemon and GameBoys.

Unfortunately, she found out about the Pokemon gaming I did when I was 'in trouble' and started taking away my electronics. All of them. So, what do you do when you've had that convenience taken away? You go back to square one, duh! I got a bunch of paper and began drawing people: Dragons, Princes, Princesses, and the whole nine yards that I remember Tim reading about from The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe. I'd cut out my paper people and reinact their stories or make up my own, wishing it were real. I wanted to be the older sister in that story, with my brothers and Caitlin. I wished that we could all just run away half the time and made sure to check every closet as soon as we ever visited practically ANYWHERE. As you all know, I didn't find such a place. Such a shame..

Well, this was all fine and dandy, and I continued trying to please my mother until ... I guess I hit puberty. I got in to that teen age when I began to think I was the shit and that I was growing up and that my mother, like in the movies, would have to realize this and give me some space. Boy, was I the stupidest kid in the world. As soon as I began back-talking her, it was as if the world turned around on me harder than it ever had. My mother began the treatment I've had all my life that year.

What treatment, you wonder? Well... On a daily basis, as I discovered cute outfits like skirts or spaghetti string shirts that I saw all the other girls wearing, my mother would laugh at me, call me a slut, make me change clothes before I'd be allowed to go to school. Looking back on it, she was right about the slut part. My chest has always been oversized, and though that's not my fault, it does mean I cannot wear things like that and look 'cute'. Only.. Exposed. - But when I stopped wearing things like that and tried to wear sweaters with shorts like I'd seen in some movies where the pretty girls looked so gorgeous doing so, whilst covering up themselves where it counted, my mother had the same reaction.

By this time, stress, angst, and sadness opened my mother up into a whole new issue: Obesity. She began to gain weight like crazy and hated that I never changed in size. I could eat 3 kids meals and LOSE weight. I was an active tomboy, but I didn't work out or anything. I was just a kid who was growing, but that was the thing wrong with me, according to my mother. I was reduced to only eating a few certain items so that she didn't feel bad about herself.

I began to grow slightly anorexic from this. Somehow, in 8th grade, I did gain some weight in my thighs and my sides. I didn't eat any more than I should have, and I was just as active as I'd ever been, but I was getting so large that I stopped eating, if I could help it, for a time. It was during this time that everyone's hormones at school were buzzing. Everyone had a boy friend or a girl friend, except for me, of course. I was the nerdy girl. I was the fatter girl. I was the ugly girl.

Yet, somehow, I got picked to be someone's girlfriend. Granted, this was the reddest flag of all boyfriends I'd ever have in my life. His grades were F's. He drank and smoked everything he could get his hands on (mind you, we're in EIGHTH GRADE) and his parents were alcoholics and abusive. The kid was troubled, and sexual, and I knew it. But what did the movies teach you? You can change any guy to a good guy. Right?

Wrong. He actually changed me. But that is a story for another post. This one's long enough as can be, regardless.

So, having a boyfriend in 8th grade gave my mother all the fuel she needed... To think that I was sexually active and a slut. Only giving me more of a wish that I could be thinner, prettier, not as slutty as she said I was. Then, because she thought I was sexually active at 13, she began calling me stupid. And a liar, for keeping it from her, for denying it to her. I was good for nothing. I was ruined, just like her. No one would want me later on in life because I was an argumentative bitch, among everything else.

... My mother has treated me no different since then. When she found out I was pregnant, she had a field day... This, among other things, is one of the things that hurts me almost every day... And is why I flip so easily to pissed off or depressed.

So, if I ever take a stab at you, it is nothing personal, and while it's not excusable, I promise that I don't intend to make anyone feel less than they believe themselves to be. Since my wicked days, I've learned to be optimistic when I'm not flipped around to an "emo kid".

The better days are yet to come. I'd like to believe, among other things that have scarred my life, that my mother's torment and affect on my personality and lack of self-confidence is just something that had to happen.. So that I can fully appreciate all the miracles that I will find later on.

Slowly, I am working on becoming who I believe I can be.

... Someday.

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Post on Mon Apr 12, 2010 10:55 pm by Attie

Sometimes, I feel like I am speaking another language. Sure, yes, if you want to get technical, I am speaking plain English, but due to a bipolar anxiety disorder, I often feel a bit different from everyone else. Many people on many occasions have told me they're afraid to talk to me because they think anything could set me off, that they could say nothing right, or that I may be in a good mood and they'll slip up and say something they had no idea would offend me and I'll blow up.

I cannot guarantee them that what they fear won't happen; so, how can I ask someone to speak to me? How can I ask someone to forgive me? How can I assure them that I won't get upset when I know very well that the raging fiery spirit within me may pop out of no where at the slightest whim?

And when I start to get worked up, and I speak out in my frustration and my anger, looking for a way to make someone believe what I am saying, or to agree with me, and I get so angry with them for not having done so ... I go blank. Literally, I no longer use my brain at all. I strictly just speak the first things that come to mind, blindly, and in a fuss.

I always regret it. Always. I always feel terrible, once someone's reduced me to tears, pointing out what I've just done and how it may have made whomever feel. I feel like a monster every time I have an episode like that. I want to cry so hard when I get angry and take it out on someone else. They say, "Count to Three" or "Deep Breaths". All I've managed to do, and only if I catch myself before I get too deep into the heated conversation, is leave. Immediately. I know that despite the fact that the person may truly be incorrect, I will not be able to act politely, nor politically, and I will only do more harm than neutral damage.

[Sighs] I'm such a whack job. I complain about hurting people, I complain about people not wanting to talk to me, but I give them no reason to.

Only an idiot would expect honey after dishing out vinegar.

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Post on Tue Apr 13, 2010 10:19 am by Attie

I'm not a very religious person in that.. I will not go to a church. I will not choose one denomination and let it define me and how I must view the world and it's beginning and end. However, I do believe in Angels. By believing in Angels, one can deduce I may believe in Demons, or a Heaven and Hell from which both came from.

It's true. I'm not sure what God is out there, but I believe something created the Angels and the Demons. I believe that both are led by two powerful deities, but in a sense, not necessarily equal to each other. For instance, in Mythology, they say that Zeus and Hades are actually brothers, yet it is Zeus who rules in Mt. Olympus, and Hades who was sent to the Underworld. In Christianity, they say that God is the ruler of Heaven, and that he sent down a betrayal to Hell. (I could be wrong on this by detail, but just bare with the vagueness, okay?) Anyway, where I am getting at is that it seems that.. Quite a few religions have so many similarities in their story, in the creation, and how it may end.

The only one I've heard that does not quite agree with any of this is Scientology. However, I do not believe in many of their theories, and no, please don't try to prove me in that direction because despite what they will deduce from what they find as facts, it means nothing to me as they cannot truly tell me what they think is what is true. For some reason, it is easier for me to believe in something that sounds far greater, far more magical, or far more moralistic than ... Science.

I believe in Miracles, as well. I believe that sometimes, whomever it up there with the power, be it a diety we all give a different name to, or an Angel working for the betterment of the world we live in, I still believe that they give us miracles, small and large, hidden and obvious, to help remind us that no matter what we believe in, no matter what has happened to us, and no matter what will happen to us... Life is worth living. Give it a try. Don't give up on it.

Angels and Demons? I believe that Angels exist. I believe that they are guardians that sometimes we can see and hear if we're looking through someone's eyes and find the body they may have entrapped themselves in. I also believe the same for Demons, but I believe they have quite the opposite affect.

I don't mean to say that if I see someone who's on a killing spree that it means they're infected with a demon. No, I'm not going to be like that mother who killed her three children because "God" or an "Angel" told her to do it. I am a firm believer that both a God and an Angel follow a set of morals that are not to harm one another, something they've only perfected in the place from which they come from, and that they are trying to grant it here on Earth but that because we are humans, and not of the same nature or matter, we have so much more to us than we can restrain like Angels or Demons, who serve a general purpose.

Oh, on another note, I like things like the Torah and the Bible. Do I believe they all happened? No, and I don't think that is the point. Because I lack that faith to believe that maybe they happened, I think more of like... What if they happened? The obvious thing is that there is a lesson here that we are to learn, in time and with hope and prayer, that we may be more like the image that it wants us to be. Whether the books were written truly by someone with a God speaking in their ear, or by a man who just wished to see a better place, they both had good intentions with these works of writing. Which is why i think it is up to a person, whether they believe in a religion or not, to have an open mind and heart to think past a belief system and look for the hidden clues that tell us how we may better ourselves or work closer to a peaceful life.

We only get one life (unless, of course, we can be reincarnated. If that's the case, I'd like to be a kitten, plz.) and as far as I am concerned, I'd prefer to live it in as much peace as I can muster up and find some day, rather than arguing, shouting, kicking and screaming at someone for their belief system. My only problem with any religion is when they justify themselves a right to harm someone.

... And that's all I have to say about that.

P.S. The piano question in the title was to infer how much I think about things like this when I hear a beautiful sound coming from a piano... It just makes me feel so at peace. Ahhhh...

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Post on Tue Apr 13, 2010 11:57 pm by Attie

Dear Blog,

I would like to shout out my large appreciation for my lack of... restraint on my tongue. Does it get me in to trouble? Naturally. But does it keep away secrets and lies that will eat a person alive from the mind? Always.

It helps me sleep late at night when I know that: no matter what I did, I was honest. Whether it made someone hurt and realize a problem, or whether it helped them better themself in the end because I was so brutally honest, I can sleep knowing that I didn't just sit there and think to myself and to others all the problems this person has in their life.

Because, if I were to keep my mouth shut, and just brew over all this negativity, I'd have to think to myself quite a bit, "What if I have it all wrong? What if in being so damn upset with this person and holding all my discontent in, I haven't even given a chance to notice the things they DO do that are great."

And even if I do tell them about my discontent, I think to myself, "What if I tell them that I think they're doing a good here and with this or that, but it's just this particular thing that I've been brewing over...?" I bet they'd feel a lot better knowing that people told them the damn truth than thinking to themselves, "WTF, why are they so angry all the time?"

So, if I even lash out at any of you, I promise I just didn't tihnk through what I meant to say. I don't always speak so diplomatically or polite when telling you "WTF WERE YOU THINKING?", but I promise it's not just a general HATE for you at all. It takes so much for me to hate someone (Unless you're my ex. If you're reading this, Go To Hell.)

Yes. Thank God for my lack of self-restraint.

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Post on Thu Apr 15, 2010 7:48 pm by Attie

Dear Internet,

Today, I think I have done rather well. I've bit my tongue quite a bit and managed to be civil with my family, as well as my ex, and things have gone rather smooth. I haven't had to deal with any stress until one of my own brothers asked me why I hadn't blown up at anyone yet, and then continued to provoke me.

Mom noted that I walked away from him and told me I get points for not letting a fight break out. I feel like a child for getting points, but I know that was her way of saying, "Good job, you're improving."

Is that pathetic? I don't think she's perfect herself, yet, trying to please her, it made me feel good to hear something positive from her. It's been so long since I've heard anything relatively close to that.

I think it's going to be a good day.


Last edited by Attie on Sat Apr 17, 2010 11:39 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Post on Sat Apr 17, 2010 6:12 pm by Attie

Dear Blog,

Do you know what it's like to have a member of your immediate family, one that you protect, would give your life for, and have raised for the majority of your life, tell you that they hate you? That you're a bitch?

I've had quite a few good couple of days where I haven't had a fight with anyone. And I didn't have to stuff myself up in my room to accomplish this, either. My family and I were actually civil.

Then, low and behold today, my mom and sister go to the Red Box (A $1 Movie Rental Per Night Vending Machine) and rent Ponyo, The Princess and the Frog, and Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs. I was very excited for watching the last two, and so was my mother; however, my sister wanted to watch Ponyo. I suggest, since it's my mother, my sister, and myself watching at the current time that we watch something the majority of us want to watch. Caitlin showed interest in all three, as she picked all three out. Still, she was gun-ho about Ponyo and starting to cause a fit, so Mom told me to can it and we watched Ponyo. Or started to.

As the movie starts, and one of the characters begins to speak, I can't hear a thing over my sister muttering out, "Oh, that's soandso's voice actor, soandso's mom plays this person, etc etc.." And I look over at her with a frown and ask her if she's going to do that through the whole movie. (I didn't want to watch it in the first place, but I was trying, and if I am going to try and watch a movie I have no idea about, I'd prefer to get to see and hear everything that's going on so I don't feel stupid later on.)

Well, apparently that was the wrong question to ask. She got furious, raged up, and repeated told me that she was "just saying", and then would do it again later on when a new character came up. Annoyed, I got up from the couch and went to get my DS. If I wasn't going to get to listen to the movie, I wasn't going to watch it. That's for damn sure.

Noticing my motion, she begins raging up once more, shouting about how I'm just pissed off that we're watching Ponyo instead of something else, that I didn't get my way, and that I hate her because she's weird and talks through movies - None of which I said. Ever. - And then stomps up stairs telling me she hates when I make a big deal out of things - In which this case, I had not said a word because I'm on this new self-restraint kick. - and told me to stop acting like a total Bitch.

Naturally, Mom comes out of her room just in time to hear Caitlin calling me a bitch and telling me that I blew up at the smallest thing. Naturally, she assumes that it was too good to be true that I could have an even temper. Naturally, this is all my fault and she goes up stairs where Caitlin's slammed her doors and goes to comfort her, giving me the look from hell as she does so.

So... To sum all this up.. My sister hates my guts. My mom thinks I was just 'acting' this whole time. Tim's married to her, and has to confront me upon her will and give me his 2 cents as well, and I'm just thankful that Mike's not here to add to the serious burn and hanging I'm receiving.

This has got to be the worst feeling. I hope I get over it, soon.

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Post on Sun Apr 18, 2010 9:37 pm by Attie

Exciting news! (At least for me)

I am back in the game of roleplaying. I am pretty sure it was something like a week that I was officially gone, but more like 2 weeks since I've technically posted. LONGEST FEELING OF TIME FRAME EVER. I missed it, I truly did. And now that the Advanced Rules have been changed, I don't have to worry about not making quotas in my new roleplay Soulieria (Calling Major Tom) and others getting knocked with warnings as well for their own posts. The last thing I need is for people to be discouraged in my roleplay for the way they posted, and thanks to the team of mods and the admin, the case is closed with a new verdict.

That just shows that if you try, things can happen. Things can change.

Speaking of change! Today was a ... different day. Despite the discouragement I felt yesterday, something good came out of it! My long lost best friend and I rekindled our relationship and had a blast last night. It's so nice to have someone important back in your life. It just adds to the things that you can be grateful for.

I should probably work on that..

Anyhow. Yay!

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Post on Mon Apr 26, 2010 7:15 pm by Attie

Hey Blog,

It's been a while. My bad. Anyway. Today's topic will be about being compared to your siblings.

Specifically, comparing my sister Caitlin (12) to myself (19). Seven years apart, look almost identical including facial features, both of us are artists (she draws anime, I draw realistically), and both of us play music by ear (she plays the clarinet, I played the violin, piano, cello, keyboard, and viola).

My mother went about praising my sister for her musical talents today. Her quote, speaking to my baby sister, "Melody, at least you have one sister who's artistically and musically talented."

I piped in, "I do and did the same things at her age, too. Y'know, playing by ear with my violin, I sang in a band, and you saw the art still hanging on my wall."

"I know. She just does it better. She could make a living off of it."

...

I don't know where I was going with this. I guess I just wanted to vent that I feel like shit in comparison. -.- Not that I think I am better than my twelve year old sister, but I didn't think I was anything less than her either.

Until today. In my mother's eyes.

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Post on Tue Apr 27, 2010 12:28 am by Attie

For Reference: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jqps9ZdMxs0 <-- I am listening to it writing this.


I have nothing to comment that the song doesn't say.




Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

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Post on Tue Apr 27, 2010 11:57 am by Attie

Hi,

My name is Miranda Jo Dodson. I am a single-mother to be. I am wonderful, caring, and sweet at most points of the day and stubborn enough to stand up for things less pleasing. I am only nineteen years old which means I have a lot to learn and so much time in the world to do it. Dreams still fill my head as if they can be made a reality some day. I have what most women wish they could have: a child, and while it's not on my terms, this child will be the best thing that's ever happened to me to help me grow up both as a mother and a woman.

I have nothing to complain about in my life. I have lived and experienced many things people don't until they're getting close to their thirties. I have been in love, been heart broken because of it, and found a way to start all over again a few times and the thing that gets me going every time is that: "As perfect as this was, if this isn't it, then Mr. ForMe is going to be so much better, and I can't wait to meet him".

I've also been out exploring through Dallas, TX and gone to the museums and learned so much. I've graduated high school early when most people were struggling just to make it by the summer mark. I want to go to college as soon as I am healthily able to, and my child will be cared for, so that I can become a Teacher. That, or I've found a new love for animals, and that includes Zoo animals, which might be a fun way to live. Who knows what the future holds in store for me?

I have so much to give, so much more than I want to take from any person, friend, or love. I am that support block people go to when they can't figure themselves out. I am that person who seems to have it all right in their head, but when the tables are turned and I'm in that position, I am still getting used to taking my own advice. (lol)

I have a job opportunity coming up very soon that will make things a lot easier on my life and my future child's life. If I could get this job, and believe me, I'll do everything in my power TO get this job, but if I do indeed get it, I will have everything I need to be successful and be prepared for my child. Alone.

It's time to start focusing on "me", and how "I" can be a better person, live a richer life, and pursuit happiness for my child in whatever I do. I want to be the kind of person my child can look up to, the kind of mother that my child will be so happy to have, and the woman that my child will be so proud of.

I just spent twenty-three tries in my bathroom mirror saying all of this to myself. If I say it, if Ido it, I'll believe it, right?

Here's to hoping. I won't miss the old me one bit.

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Post on Tue May 11, 2010 12:37 am by Attie

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?
I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?
I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now





Been a while...

I heard this song for the first time today and it just threw me a new one. While, I really wish Hayley's part had been longer or maybe she had more to sing because it was so beautiful, I think this song flew very well. All I needed to hear were her words when I was about to break down and it gave me a whole new outlook on things.

While I don't particularly enjoy MUCH rap, I liked this song and I read/listened to the lyrics and the message that I got, well, actually I got two, were:

Why do stars have that signifigance? Why don't airplanes? That's just an example, but really. If we give the value to things and create up the superstition of good and bad fortunes, then why can't we give them to anything? Why does it have to be magical for everyone? Why can't we create individual things that mean something to each one of us in a different way. Why can't we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?

At the same time, I am not sure we need to have these signs of fortune to make things right in our life. I could wait all my life, wishing on stars, planes, or four leaf clovers, but nothing will happen until I take charge and make them happen.

I know those two thoughts contradict and I won't pretend that I have any idea what I'm talking about, because I don't. My mind's been mush lately. It sucks. Writer's block to boot, as well.

On the bright side, though, out of all of this, I know that this song means something, if not only for the melodic inspiration that Hayley's chorus gives me.

-Attie

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Post on Wed May 19, 2010 8:34 pm by Attie

Dear Blog,

It's been a while. Let me sum up how I am feeling with this and then smile big at everyone else who realizes it. =]


My exact feelings.

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Post on Tue Aug 24, 2010 1:17 pm by Attie

Been a while. About.. 3 months or so.

When I last wrote in this thing, I was a wreck, emotionally. I'd lost someone who'd won their way in to my heart only to throw it away and call it a lie, a facade, when I had been truthful the whole time... Then not a week later, I realized that the father of my child was abandoning the situation altogether. I haven't heard from him since.

But that's alright with me. ;] I got in to summer classes at the local college, I got a job so I could support myself and Elijah, and told myself that no matter what happened or who happened, he and I would be together and he would be happy.

I only made it through 2 of the 4 classes that I signed up for, but that is still the first ever 2 classes I'd ever taken in my life so I was pretty proud to get my foot in the door, even if I hesitated. Work was fun because it was with a group of people who adored my pregnancy just as much as I did, despite the situation, and supported me even today.

My close friend that I met back in high school, whom I've known for 6 years, and I got back in touch with each other. We'd been out of touch for a couple of months since I moved to and from Alabama, but we hit it off like old times immediately, forgiveness on the table and the slate clean. Then he fell in love with my courage in my situation, and gathered some courage of his own to tell me that it wasn't the only thing he loved about me. We've been together since.

Through a series of unfortunate events, I was hospitalized twice while living with my mother. The nurses called it 'threatened preterm labor'. Scariest thing in the world to be told at 4 months, and then at 5 months, that your body is so stressed that it's threatening to pop out your child because it is no longer a safe womb to be in. The source, of course, was the place I lived (with my mother), and Matthew quickly took me away to our apartment an hour away from her. We have not had to go to the hospital since.

I am very blessed, and very grateful. We live in a very small apartment with two dogs and all the handmedown baby stuff in the world, poorer than dirt, but very happy. I could not ask for anything else to keep me this way.

Who knew this could truly happen to me? ;]

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Post on Tue Aug 24, 2010 4:19 pm by Guest

Darn! I'm happy for you, Attie. I was worried when we/I didn't hear from you here on FOG for a long time. And that it all seems to have untangled and fit together so well. I'm happy that you're happy. Smile

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Post on Tue Aug 24, 2010 4:24 pm by Attie

Thank you, Dagger Smile

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