A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories *WINNER*

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Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories *WINNER*

Post by Kathryn Lacey on Fri Nov 13, 2009 10:28 pm

That's means we'll get it tomorrow. heheh

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Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories *WINNER*

Post by Sunwolf007 on Sat Nov 14, 2009 3:30 am

By my count its the 14th so where is the announcement! [looks at watch and sees that it is 2:30 am]

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Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories *WINNER*

Post by Weiss on Sat Nov 14, 2009 5:47 am

Oh, you didn't hear? We're announcing the winner at 11:59:59.999999999 p.m. tonight.
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Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories *WINNER*

Post by Fate Flyer on Sat Nov 14, 2009 10:34 am

ALL PARTICIPANTS PLEASE NOTE:

If you would like to read a critique of your writing by Weiss, please say so, and he shall post it here publicly, so that all may benefit from his advice. If you would rather it not be public, then you simply will not get a critique of your story, at the request of Weiss. So, if you'd like to read a critique of your story here, please do say so!

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Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories *WINNER*

Post by Sunwolf007 on Sat Nov 14, 2009 12:38 pm

Weiss wrote:Oh, you didn't hear? We're announcing the winner at 11:59:59.999999999 p.m. tonight.

NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Laughing

Anyway I would like a critique of my story by all those judges willing to give me one. So whatever I have to do to get the critique let me know and I will accomplish it.

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Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories *WINNER*

Post by Guest on Sat Nov 14, 2009 2:30 pm

Sure, I would like a critique.

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Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories *WINNER*

Post by Ab'Sinthe on Sat Nov 14, 2009 4:18 pm

I'd love to read the critique ^_^ But even more so.. read who won. Very Happy
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Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories *WINNER*

Post by Hello Danger on Sat Nov 14, 2009 4:26 pm

I'll take a critique, too.
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Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories *WINNER*

Post by Reffy on Sat Nov 14, 2009 7:21 pm

WOOOP - critique please Very Happy

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Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories *WINNER*

Post by Kathryn Lacey on Sat Nov 14, 2009 8:11 pm

I am among the masses who would like a critique. I always love to improve. ^^_^^

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Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories *WINNER*

Post by Guest on Sat Nov 14, 2009 9:35 pm

While you guys are the hollywood stars down below waiting for your Emmy. I'm the uncontrollable fan dancing in their pants behind you guys and sniffing your necks whenever possible. XD

I LOVE YOUUUUUU KATHRIIIIIIINE!

AND YOU'RE A SEXY BEAST SILVOOOOOOONE!

*eagerly awaits the announcement*

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Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories *WINNER*

Post by Kathryn Lacey on Sat Nov 14, 2009 9:51 pm

You've misspelled my name. Some fan you are. ^o_~^

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Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories *WINNER*

Post by Guest on Sat Nov 14, 2009 10:02 pm

Wow that's just embarrassing. Embarassed

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Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories *WINNER*

Post by Kathryn Lacey on Sat Nov 14, 2009 10:12 pm

An easy way to remember my name's spelling... sort of... is to think of it as two syllables. Syllables is spelled with a "y," and a "y" is in my name... So you can remember that it's pronounced kath-rin rather than kath-reen, so you don't place an "e" at the end.

Okay... that was probably super cheesy and dumb, but oh well. That's what I get for making it up on the spot...

Anyway, I'm beginning to get the feeling that Weiss was being completely serious when he said, "We're announcing the winner at 11:59:59.999999999 p.m. tonight." hahahahah

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Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories *WINNER*

Post by Fate Flyer on Sat Nov 14, 2009 11:27 pm

Without any further adieu, we are at last ready to announce a winner!


While us judges can agree that there were more than just a couple of stories fighting for the number one spot, there can only be one winner to our contest. There was much discussion on who exactly that winner would be up until the last minute, but I believe we have at last settled on a decision.

The judges' pick for our Ghost Stories 2009 winner is...

Hello Danger for his story Loved to Death!!!

Congratulations, Hello Danger! We, the judges, felt that your story not only encompassed the theme quite well, but that the story itself was thrilling, and the delivery was excellent. There was a surprisingly amount of development that didn't all have to occur in a usual and obvious manner, and the somewhat open ending left the feeling of the entire story to be very effective. Very well done!

I will present you with your badge via PM very soon (most likely within the next day or two), and you are free to PM me with your art request whenever you like!


Well done, all of you! We all enjoyed reading your stories, and for those of you looking to get critiqued, you shall receive that shortly from Weiss and also possibly Kalon, so keep your eyes on this thread!

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Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories *WINNER*

Post by Kathryn Lacey on Sat Nov 14, 2009 11:42 pm

Congratulations, Danger! You totally deserved it! ^^_^^

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Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories *WINNER*

Post by Hello Danger on Sun Nov 15, 2009 12:02 am

Shocked

WOW! Thank you sooo much Fate, onenitedrive, Weiss, and Kalon! There were so many well written and amazing stories its an honor to win! After reading all the entries I knew it would be close, and clearly with the judging coming down to the deadline, it was! Again, I want to thank the judges, and also I want to thank all of the other writers, without you guys it wouldn't have been a contest!

Seriously, this is my first true short story I've EVER finished! I owe it to FOG - all its mods and members!

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Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories *WINNER*

Post by Reffy on Sun Nov 15, 2009 2:37 am

Congrats, Hello Danger!!!!! Very Happy

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Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories *WINNER*

Post by Guest on Sun Nov 15, 2009 5:44 am

Yay for Hello Danger! Congrats, man cheers

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Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories *WINNER*

Post by Ab'Sinthe on Sun Nov 15, 2009 9:08 am

Congarats Danger! ^_^

Now where's my critique... Wink
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Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories *WINNER*

Post by Fate Flyer on Sun Nov 15, 2009 10:22 am

Congrats again, Danger! Clap I'm very happy for you. Aww


I will let Weiss (and Kalon, if he is critiquing also) post their own critiques for all of you guys here, so I'm sure they will be up very shortly.

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Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories *WINNER*

Post by Bird of Hermes on Sun Nov 15, 2009 6:45 pm

Congratulations!
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Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories *WINNER*

Post by Sunwolf007 on Sun Nov 15, 2009 8:18 pm

Congrats Hello Danger.

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Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories *WINNER*

Post by Hello Danger on Mon Nov 16, 2009 12:56 am

Thanks everyone! Very Happy
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Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories *WINNER*

Post by Weiss on Mon Nov 16, 2009 4:33 am

First, congratulations to Hello Danger! We had a number of excellent entries, so I congratulate you all on your hard work come to fruition. I enjoyed reading through each story, and I can honestly say that I was surprised at the diversity between each of their central themes. Thank you all for participating!

That said, keep the following in mind:
Do not be offended or discouraged by my critiques. I have a tendency to notice flaws more quickly than I notice the positive elements of anything. As such, I may have inadvertently focused more on the flaws of each piece than on the good points. My critiques are accurate insofar as my opinion is concerned, but they may not reflect every single up or down that ultimately influenced my decisions.

Kathryn Lacey
Spoiler:
Anima 0027
    Story Elements
    • ORIGINALITY: 8 out of 10
    • THEME: 9 out of 10
    • IMMERSION: 7 out of 10
    • TOTAL: 8 out of 10

    Literacy
    • STRUCTURE: 9 out of 10
    • GRAMMAR: 7 out of 10
    • FLOW: 6 out of 10
    • TOTAL: 7.3 out of 10

    Cumulative Total:
    7.7 out of 10

A creative idea for a story, but a sub-par execution. Though it neared the word limit for the contest, there was a great deal of wasted text that could have been better spent establishing context for the world in which the story takes place, or any number of other details that were ultimately left to the vacuum of ambiguity.

The story followed the contest theme closely enough, but it still wasn’t particularly inclusive of ghosts or spirits. They were mentioned, but they didn’t feel like a part of the story so much as conveniently placed ornaments that existed only out of necessity. The main character has the DNA of a ghost, but that ghost isn’t actually a part of the story; nor is the character a ghost or spirit. She is a human with powers reminiscent of ghosts or spirits. Charlie the Ghost makes a short appearance, but in the end he’s just a short cameo leading into the fighting scene between Anima and the Suits. Again, yes, that places a ghost into the story, but it doesn’t feel as if the ghosts were a part of the story. In my eyes, there’s a very big difference.

Many parts of the piece were choppy. A lot of things that could have used explanation went unexplained, seemingly out of convenience, and there were times when the tempo would shift spontaneously, to the point that I sometimes had to reread to make sure I hadn’t skipped over something that would explain why a scene was so hastily drawn to a close.

It was a fairly creative idea, but not something ground-breaking with the plethora of media involving human-esque creatures with supernatural powers, or actual humans who manifest special abilities through this method or the other. If you're a fan of the X-men, Heroes or any of a great deal of Japanese anime, this particular concept isn't anything new.

The story did take the ghost angle in a different direction, which scored it an extra point in the Originality department. When you think of ghosts and spirits, you wouldn't usually think of action. Granted, this all falls back to the X-men and Heroes points made above, but taking the given theme in a direction that deviates from the conventional norm is worth some credit.

Ultimately, it could have been quite a bit better, and the score was hurt by the lack of attention to the story's flow more than anything. Parts that should have been concise were dragged on beyond reason, while areas that could have greatly benefited from additional attention were neglected. It made the story hard to enjoy. After factoring in personal taste, I give it a 7 out of 10.
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Spoiler:
The Underground
    Story Elements
    • ORIGINALITY: 8 out of 10
    • THEME: 7 out of 10
    • IMMERSION: 6 out of 10
    • TOTAL: 7 out of 10

    Literacy
    • STRUCTURE: 7 out of 10
    • GRAMMAR: 6 out of 10
    • FLOW: 5 out of 10
    • TOTAL: 6 out of 10

    Cumulative Total: 6.5 out of 10


While the story was unique in concept, it didn’t flow particularly well. It often shifted between future tense and present tense, which detracted from the consistency and made it difficult to properly understand.

At first, the piece presents itself as a narrative of what will occur. However, as the story progresses, it takes the form of a present-tense narrative of what is occurring as the author – the speaker – is narrating.

The story itself isn’t particularly inclusive of ghosts or spirits. While there is a mention of spirits when the subject is traveling down the burgundy-lit path and floating down the river on the barge, they’re treated as ornaments rather than a part of the story. The theme states that ghosts and spirits must be included in the story in some way. While one could argue that they were included, I personally feel that the piece didn’t follow the theme to an acceptable degree.

I did like the unique approach that was used for the story. In theory, it could have made a huge impact on the reader, since it seems to be speaking directly to the audience. It has a foreboding sense, and the urgency expressed throughout the piece creates a feeling of dread at the thought of what consequences might await if you failed to follow the instructions properly.

The cliffhanger aspect of the whole thing was also fitting for something that was meant to hold a spooky tone. In addition to the aforementioned points about contemplating the consequences of failing to follow the instructions, subtle hints are given about exactly what is being detailed throughout the narrative while the final judgment on what exactly is occurring is left to the reader's discretion. It's a journey into the character's soul, where he or she will gamble for the right to have their questions answered, but why did this come to pass? Normally, the lack of details as to why the story has progressed thus far would invoke a lower rating from me, but it's used effectively (if perhaps inadvertently) in this story to create a constant feeling of suspense.

It was an interesting idea, and it held a lot of potential, but the execution wasn’t quite up to par. As a total, I give it a 6 out of 10 based on the above score less a couple of partial points for personal taste.
Ab'Sinthe
Spoiler:
Beneath the Howling Stars
    Story Elements
    • ORIGINALITY: 6/10
    • THEME: 8/10
    • IMMERSION: 3/10
    • TOTAL: 5.7/10

    Literacy
    • STRUCTURE: 9/10
    • GRAMMAR: 8/10
    • FLOW: 5/10
    • TOTAL: 7.3/10

    Cumulative Total: 6.5/10


Good Points:
  • From what I can tell, a fairly unique story.
  • Dramatic, and seemingly in tune with the Halloween spirit.
  • Well-written in terms of grammar and structure.
  • Very little wasted text. Every sentence seems to contribute something new to the story.

Bad Points:
  • Repetition and an overall poor choice of vocabulary at times made the story feel choppy and difficult to read.
  • Absolutely no context is established for this piece. The female character is vaguely identified with feminine pronouns throughout the entire segment, and a relationship between Abby and the female is made apparent, but any further understanding of why the events of this small story are occurring is left completely in the dark. It feels like this segment was ripped from a larger story and posted as a contest entry.
  • It tries too hard to be dramatic. Much of the vocabulary used carries an impact, and the sentences are structured to deliver a sense of urgency and power. The problem is that this carries on throughout the entire piece and faces a great deal of repetition to the point where the impact is lost. It became more of a hindrance about half way through the entry.
  • The only mention of ghosts or spirits is the vague inclusion of a ghost in the fog that apparently manifested within the forest as Abby was trying to escape town…? The story was so convoluted with overhyped vocabulary that I couldn’t properly understand a great deal of its intent.

Final Rating: 6/10
Hello Danger
Spoiler:
Loved to Death
    Story Elements
    • ORIGINALITY: 8/10
    • THEME: 10/10
    • IMMERSION: 9/10
    • TOTAL: 9/10

    Literacy
    • STRUCTURE: 9/10
    • GRAMMAR: 8/10
    • FLOW: 8/10
    • TOTAL: 8.3/10

    Cumulative Total: 8.7/10


Good Points:
  • Definitely something that fits the Halloween theme. It’s spooky and, while leaving some build-up to be desired between each of the scenes, keeps a constant sense of dreadful suspense rolling through the whole story.
  • While the plot of a ghost seeking to be reunited with its living family isn’t something unheard of, it’s far from common. Furthermore, the delivery was excellent. Any teen can identify with Jon on the basic level. He’s a teenage boy with a baby sister who won’t stop crying, and he’s stuck at home on a rainy night with the task of taking care of her. Suddenly, he’s thrown into a Horror flick; but this time, there’s no happy ending for the hero – or is there? I love it.
  • The ending, as touched on by my previous point, deviates from the usual and leaves one wondering whether the story ended on a good note or a bad one. While the entire family was killed out of the unquenched feelings of ‘love’ from the woman they’d recently lost, they were reunited with her in the afterlife, where they can once again be a family. Some would argue that true love would be watching over one’s family as they aged and lived happily, but others might not feel that way. The fact that the ending leaves itself available to interpretation by the individual is part of what makes the delivery of this story so effective. It isn’t clear cut, so the reader has to decide.
  • Context was established fairly well, even if not in the most obvious of ways. It was never expressly stated how the mother died, but based on Jon’s dream, we can surmise that she passed away while giving birth to the baby girl. The fact that Danger incorporated the backstory into the story itself, rather than having to explain the setting in black and white text, made the piece flow more smoothly.

Bad Points:
  • Everything felt a bit rushed. A bit more description might have aided the attempt to create an eeriness both when the lights went out and when the ghost of Jon’s mother made her appearances.
  • As stated before, the plot, at its roots, is nothing extremely new and unique. This truly doesn’t even deserve a spot on the Bad Points list, though, since it was delivered in a way that made it feel completely fresh to me.

Final Rating: 9/10
Silvone Elestahr
Spoiler:
The Dance of Death
    Story Elements
    • ORIGINALITY: 10/10
    • THEME: 10/10
    • IMMERSION: 7/10
    • TOTAL: 9/10

    Literacy
    • STRUCTURE: 9/10
    • GRAMMAR: 8/10
    • FLOW: 9/10
    • TOTAL: 8.7/10

    Cumulative Total: 8.9/10


Good Points:
  • This story is more what I was expecting from the given theme. While it isn’t particularly Halloween-y, it does have a deep involvement of ghosts. They are central to the story and play a very large role in its execution.
  • The concept behind the story is completely unique. I honestly found myself wishing there was more to it simply so that I could better understand the world in which the events of the story are unfolding.
  • The scenes described are done in a tasteful manner. Murder, or death in general, can easily be overdrawn out of a desire to be flashy and to create a cheap sense of realism within the reader; however, I find that such methods are much akin to the “scream tactic” used by horror movies. You may jump in your seat and scream, but that’s nothing more than a reflex, rather than a true feeling of fright or dread. The way he described the scenes, and the scenes he described, played into the story and were detailed enough to rouse the intended emotions without going overboard.
    TL;DR – It’s a very tasteful piece, in spite of the themes included.

Bad Points:
  • The ending was a bit sudden. The rest of the story was drawn out well for a piece with a word limit, but the final scene drew to a close so quickly that the built up feelings of suspense weren’t really sated by the answers that were given. I would have liked a bit more dialogue in the aftermath of the visions, or some further reflection by Little Rock. Perhaps even a short scene that describes her leaving the dark grove and making her way back home, but leaving the knife, the instrument of destruction, behind. For such a dramatic piece, the ending was too unflattering.
  • I’d have liked a bit more setting. To my understanding, Little Rock starts out in a small village surrounded by strange plants called gula that are slowly converging upon their sanctuary in an attempt to choke out the remaining life from the people who still make a scarce living there. However, it’s later implied that Little Rock was around long enough to have witnessed more affluent tribes before the gula came along. A bit of flavor text involving the first appearance of the gula and how things came to be so bad would have been a wonderful addition to the piece.
  • Emotions were underplayed. Since there’s no clear statement of her age, it’s hard to establish the context for her reactions, but I can only imagine that Little Rock is in her early to mid teens given the labeling of Father and Mother and her adolescent view of things throughout the story. While Silvone did a fantastic job of writing the story through the girl’s eyes – even in third-person, as it was – I don’t think the girl’s responses were quite flamboyant enough. Her fear, her dread, her shock, her amazement; they were all lackluster.

Final Rating: 9/10
Sunwolf007
Spoiler:
Phenomenon of Undeterminable Resolve Extractors (P.U.R.E.)
    Story Elements
    • ORIGINALITY: 8/10
    • THEME: 8/10
    • IMMERSION: 7/10
    • TOTAL: 7.7/10

    Literacy
    • STRUCTURE: 9/10
    • GRAMMAR: 8/10
    • FLOW: 9/10
    • TOTAL: 8.7/10

    Cumulative Total: 8.2/10


Good Points:
  • The story is rather well-written. There were some grammatical errors, such as a few run-on sentences and missing commas, but all in all it read pretty smoothly.
  • The idea is fairly unique, and I enjoyed the action aspect of it.
  • There was a variety of characters, each seemingly having their own personality.

Bad Points:
  • The characters lacked development. Granted, he had only 5000 words to create the development, but taking the word limit into consideration is part of the contest. While he gains a point for having more than one character as the focal point of the story, it’s lost again due to the flatness of those characters. Their interactions with one another, their personalities in total; it all seemed too forced, which took away from the immersion factor.
  • I’d have liked a bit more detail. While I’m a stickler about not wasting text, I never truly felt that I had a grasp on the setting for Loki’s story. The appearances of the characters, the locations where the events of the story took place – I can’t really imagine any of it. I can only imagine particular events with mannequins playing the parts of the characters.

Final Rating: 8/10

While the story is fairly well-written and isn’t at all bad, I also can’t bring myself to say that it’s good. The action gave it a good pace, but the lack of detail and character development, as well as the jumpy scenes that tried to play themselves off as cliffhangers or moments of suspense, really killed off my enjoyment of the story.

If you'd like to discuss my critiques, or if you want me to expand on a particular point, please feel free to request it of me. However, keep in mind that the judgments are final, so from here on, everything should be for learning purposes only.

That said, I also do not intend to come across as the end-all when it comes to opinionated critiquing. I am only judging by my own criterion, so please remember that others may have a different opinion than I do about this or that aspect of your story. When it comes right down to it, my ratings are based on my opinion, and will not change because of anyone's opinion but my own. Please keep that in mind.

As a final point, since this caused a bit of confusion during the judging process, I'd like to point out the way that I scored each piece. You may notice, looking through them, that I graded each one based on a fundamental criteria. I took the important elements of a story and turned them into a grading sheet, then filled out said sheet based on my opinion of how well the story performed in each category. Afterward, I took a cumulative score of both categories.

The Cumulative Score is how well I feel you did based only on that criteria. In other words, it's my opinion of how well-written the story was. The Final Score, located at the end of each critique, is the Cumulative Score rounded up or down based on how much the story appealed to me. If it greatly appealed to me, it was rounded up. If it didn't particularly appeal to me, it was rounded down.
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Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories *WINNER*

Post by Deadman - D17 on Mon Nov 16, 2009 11:00 am

Oh... cheers Congrats Danger!! A little delayed but.. yeah XD

If it's possible, could I also have a review of my story? Smile?
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Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories *WINNER*

Post by Reffy on Mon Nov 16, 2009 12:39 pm

Thank you, Weiss Smile Hoping to see KO's notes too Smile

I put this story forwards to the AWR-lot and got pretty much the same notes. They liked the idea and the fact I was experimenting but the execution was a little crap. Switching tenses, felt like they were reading instructions to building a bookcase, the future tense doesn't allow for immersion or feeling to be provoked as a normal story might - etc.

I disagree with the ghosts comment - but it is your opinion and I ain't here to try and change that. Admittedly the story wasn't solely about the ghosts, so you are right there I suppose Smile I still like the way the ghosts were described and thought it was very poetical. Smile

I am glad that you got a little spooked and definitely got the cliffhanger thing Very Happy

Thank you for sharing the notes. Flirt

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Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories *WINNER*

Post by Gadreille on Mon Nov 16, 2009 4:37 pm

Congratulations Hello Danger!
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Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories *WINNER*

Post by Kalon Ordona II on Mon Nov 16, 2009 7:16 pm

The Underground ~ by Reffy
~ Critique by Kalon Ordona II ~
Spoiler:
Usage and grammar in this piece, while not perfect, is quite good. It is simple and direct. Ordinarily I would criticize the short and choppy sentences, but it works well to convey the feeling of a repetitive, unnerving, unrelenting list of chilling instructions, inevitabilities and imperatives.

A major drawback is the inconsistent use of the future tense. A string of futures and imperatives seems to have been the goal, which would have been great. The future tense breaks often, however, not into imperatives but into present-tense actions and descriptions that upset the idea of the story--that the protagonist has yet to embark upon this fateful journey. A lot of the creepy-element is lost because of this.

The only other drawback is the lack of a reason for all that hullabaloo just to ask any question. There isn't much to compel the protagonist to follow the instructions. Why would the person give the protagonist the envelope with the instructions just to let the protagonist get a random question answered. Also, if the protagonist is getting an envelope of instructions, why does the speaker need to reiterate those instructions to the protagonist?

So, to sum up: what would I change? First, there should be reasons behind the envelope and the instructor, and there should be a need for the protagonist to ask the question--a question so profound that the answer can only be found in the underground. Second, all sentences should be in the future tense, and there should be many imperatives. There would be a lot of "you will..." "they will..." and "you must...."

It wasn't exactly about ghosts, but there was lots of dead and underworld, and there was the Ghost Story element, so the story fit the theme rather well.

Overall, the story is quite descriptive. I love the latin and the references to several underworldly themes. The premise is quite compelling, and the sheer amount of danger coupled with the instructor's apparent confidence that the protagonist will succeed adds up to a chilling feeling that not only is your fate decided, but also you have to make it happen.


Anima 0027 ~ by Kathryn Lacey
~ Critique by Kalon Ordona II ~
Spoiler:
An ally is a friend, a compatriot, a comrade; commonly used in political or military contexts. The word for a narrow street between buildings is 'alley,' plural 'alleys.'

The writing was executed quite well in this piece. I never had to wonder what was being said or puzzle over intended meaning. The sentences flow easily from one to the next, and there are few if any grammatical errors (offhand I can only remember one comma splice).

The structure is good, skillfully dividing the narration between the doctor and 0027. The story was more action/adventure than Ghost Story. It feels like the prologue to a greater tale, giving a grander scope to things.

If I were to change something, it would be to give Charlie the Ghost a larger role.

Overall, the story is well-defined, easy to read, and intriguing.
Most enjoyable.

More coming soon! Very Happy
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Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories *WINNER*

Post by Kathryn Lacey on Mon Nov 16, 2009 7:23 pm

Ugh... You know... I know the difference between ally and alley. It must have simply been a typo that I missed despite my proofreading. I am only human after all. hahahah

{EDIT}
I also want to add that it was already said that it didn't have to be a traditional ghost story in the sense of spookiness and such. We were told it only had to have ghosts in it.

Fate Foretold wrote:The theme of this contest, in relation to the upcoming Halloween holiday, is ghosts. Other horrific, supernatural, and paranormal ideas are also welcome, though ghosts and spirits must be included in some way.

Fate Foretold wrote:Nope, there is no specific genre in place, though horror would fit the bill easiest, but you could still write an action-packed ghostly tale or one more like a mystery or a drama, etc. You're also welcome to submit a past written work, so long as it fits the requirements.
{/EDIT}

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Re: A FOG Writing Contest - Ghost Stories *WINNER*

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